What hurt me the most is that you decided to walk out or “do your own thing” when I went through one of the worse times of my life. You said you wanted me to get better but you weren’t even there for me. You among the very few people who meant SO MUCH to me all left like it was an okay thing to do. But that’s alright, cause I’m not hurting anymore and I owe you nothing or gratitude for the support, or lack there of.
Write about a defining moment in your life.
A defining moment in my life would have to be the day my brother was shot. A couple of years ago when I was about 13, my mom got the god awful call from the LBPD at 10pm. My brother was at his friend’s house for a bbq a block away from my aunt’s house. I just remember my mom freaking out on the phone, nearly having a heart attack, close to drowning in her own tears. She called every single one of my siblings and I was left home alone when they left to the hospital. It turned out my brother was just shot in the leg. It was definitely gang related. When I sat down with him the next day and asked him what happened, he told me that the Mexicans around the block thought he was a gang member because of how he was dressed. All he was really wearing was a white tshirt and jeans. He told me he just heard gun shots and instantly ran. He didn’t know he was bleeding out until he made it to my aunt’s alley to hide. My mother told me at the hospital, my brother was apologizing for being bad and all that he’s done because he thought he was going to die. I thought so too, because well, I was only 13 and didn’t know any better. Around 3am, he was released with a large cast around his leg.
I know this doesn’t sound much like a defining moment, but it really is. The reason why is because even though my brother was only shot in the leg, if he was standing a couple feet to the right, or to the left, he would have been dead. Since then, I hated everyone he hung out with. I hated gangs, cliques, thugs, the ghetto, all of it. His best friend died because he was mistaken for a “gang member”. I hated the whole Mexican-Asian rivalry in the east side. I loathed my brother for going back there, for still being there for his homies even though he was shot. They never came through for him, but he ALWAYS came through for them. I guess it just runs in the family; we’re always loyal even if it means getting hurt. When I started high school, I attended Police-Youth dialogues and seminars. I was asked to join The Long Beach Gang Retention Intervention Prevention (GRIP) Advisory Council. After a year, I was nominated chair of the Education and Media sub-committee. I attended these meetings every month and put forth what I could to put all this violence to rest.
Some things aren’t meant to be. I’m a bittersweet mix of happy and disappointed, mostly, I’m just grateful.
As heartless as it sounds, I could care less what distant relatives in my family dies. It’s the pain I see on my mom’s face, the sound of her sobs, and the unbearable feeling that gets to me. The fact that my maternal grandma and aunt in Cambodia died, as well as my aunt’s cousin and her aunt from Boston passed away over the course of this year just.. sucks. There’s no other way I could put it. What’s even worse is how much time my mom and uncle spend arguing over how/why they died, who’s to blame, and how much money it’s going to cost. I just hope my next paycheck is enough to help pay for the burial. I’m sick of my mom spending days on end watching Grandma’s funeral video just to get a glimpse of her ‘home’ and her family… slowly disappearing. I don’t even know what to do. My mom already has diabetes and colon problems, stress induced sickness and depression too? Fuck man, dlkfhsjkgsdg.
Staying in the hometown for college and studying abroad for the last two years of undergrad is the new plan. Let’s just hope this sacrifice will be worth it. Putting dreams on hold for now and letting reality sink in. Family first “/
I really hit my low point today. Everything that I thought would come out pretty smooth just crumbled. I don’t know what to do anymore. What am I supposed to do? They keep telling me not to be discouraged and keep pushing.. but for what? Push towards something that doesn’t even exist? Huy. I’m gonna find a way out. I don’t know how, but I’m going to get out. Whatever it takes.
I just want to take care of my fam.. I owe them everything for helping me get this far. They helped me do things “the right way”, be grateful for what I have and to accept that everyone’s lives are different. I know now that I’m the only one who can really change the way I live. It doesn’t really matter how I get to that point in my life when I’m stable &successful but just that I get there and I’m happy. 95% sacrifice, 5% victory.
Love is never unconditional, that’s like saying you’d still love someone even if they cheated on you, hurt you, or done something unforgivable &unforgettable. Don’t say things you don’t mean.. Unless you trulyyy mean it.
There’s nothing I want more than someone I can come home to after a day at work. Make a late dinner, finish chores, take a hot shower and fall asleep with the tv on… Next to someone. Someone I can share my daily routine and vents with. Just someone to talk to really. Sometimes I wish it was that simple to fall quickly and get comfortable, but it’s that much harder to move on. My day will come though.
How do you turn from being so supportive to so fucking negative. I don’t get it. You are fucking shit up for me because you don’t realize that this is MY LIFE. MINE. I EARNED EVERYTHING I HAVE. I CAN CHOOSE WHEREVER THE FUCK I WANT TO GO.
There’s going to be someone out there who knows exactly how I feel and why I regret some things in the past because they’ve been through it too. Then I can finally stop hiding my inner emotions, face the truth and let go of that particular past. Until then, I’ll always have a problem with sharing my personal life for the fear of people using it against me. I’m not afraid to be judged, I’m afraid of my most sensitive moments being put on blast.
Gave my momma a hug when she came home and the first words out of her mouth were “What do you need?” LOL I swear, I can’t be affectionate without there being an ulterior motive. Gosh ma, I won’t see you for a few years in 8 1/2 months, come on just hug me back!
I wish I knew what the fuck I wanted. I have such a great opportunity but my heart’s not in it, yet my head says gooo.